But I know it wasn't a dream. It was real. I can still feel the hugs of my babies, I can still hear them calling my name,"Meesa Lindsay! Meesa Lindsay!," I can still see their precious, beautiful faces every time I close my eyes.
For a while I wasn't able to look at the pictures of my babies. Because I would just start to cry. It was still too hard.
People keep saying to me,"I bet you are just so glad to be back in America!" And sometimes I just want to scream at them, "NO I'M NOT!!! I hate America! I want to go back to China!! My heart is there!"
I'm not glad to be back in America. Now before you jump to conclusions, let me explain. I'm happy to see my family, I am excited to go to medical school in a few weeks, I like being able to drive my car, flush toilet paper down the toilet, eat Mexican food whenever I want. I'm still getting used to light switches being on the inside of the bathroom instead of outside.
But my heart is in China. My heart is with my babies. The week before I left, I begged Father to let me stay in China, to stay with my babies, with my friends.
But He said "No." He reminded me that He wants me to become a doctor. My passion is not teaching. My passion is medicine, and my passion is now China. And I have to trust Him that some day, He will bring those two passions together.
At training last August, they told us they hoped this year would "ruin you for the ordinary." I didn't understand what that meant then. I was still in my "let's get this year over with so I can get back to medicine" mode.
Now I get it. I am ruined for the ordinary. I no longer just want to become a pediatric oncologist and work at St. Jude's and live out the rest of my days in the comforts of America. I can't live the typical American doctor life. I have to do something more.
Father has lit a fire in my heart-a fire for China, a fire for change, a fire for His kingdom. I've got to go back, if it's His will. Medicine isn't enough anymore. HE is all that matters.
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