Tears

I knew today would be hard. 

It’s the Monday of my last week of teaching at SMBS-so it’s the good-bye week. 

I expected hard. Previous teachers told me how hard it was going to be. So I thought I was pretty prepared. Yes I had lost it on Friday with my kids, and I knew I would probably lose it again today.

But nothing could have prepared me for the intense heart-ache of this afternoon. 

This afternoon I had to break the news to Class 3, my favorite class. It’s also Dustin’s class. 

Yeah …

Dustin already knew that I was going back to America, so fortunately he helped me translate for the other kids. 

I held it together when I told them about how I was going back and how they were going to get a new foreign teacher. 

A few of the kids started crying, but nothing too bad. 

An activity that I had them do was draw their best memory of me. So I passed out the paper, they got their markers, and the drawing began. 

Several of the kids were crying now, and I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to comfort them. 

But then, Dustin came up to me and said, “Meesa Lindsay, I can’t draw it.”

I went over with him to his desk and replied, “Dustin, you can. Just try.” I know this kid can draw-he LOVES to draw and color. 

He put his head on his desk, and the tears just began flowing. 

Seeing those tears running down that precious boy’s face, I felt as if someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it in their hands. 

I wrapped him in my arms, and we sat there together, weeping. His little arms clung to my neck as he buried his head in my shoulder and sobbed. Through my tears I whispered, “I love you so much. I love you so much.” And he always said back, “Me too.” 

I promised him I will always love him, that I will come back some day, that he will always have a special place in my heart. 

I don’t know how long I sat there, holding him. But finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wiped his face, kissed his forehead, and got up. 

I looked over to where my co-teacher, Candy, was. She was in tears. I went to her and said, “I can’t do it, Candy. I can’t say good-bye.”

She burst into sobs, and we held each other for a few moments. It took everything I had not to run out of the classroom and back to my apartment to just sob my heart out. I felt like all my strength was gone, my heart was gone, I had nothing more to give. 

But I had to stay. As hard as it was to watch them cry, I had to stay. They needed me to stay-I’m abandoning them in a few days, but I couldn’t abandon them now. 

Then I looked at Dustin, the tears still streaming down his face. 

Every time I see that image in my head, I can’t hold back the tears. Even now, I’m sobbing as I write this. There are no words that can describe this pain. 

To be honest, I’m angry now. I’m angry that I have to leave. Angry, brokenhearted. Why did Father let me get so close to these dear, sweet babies, only to have me leave them? Why did He let me fall in love with them, only to make me go back to America? Why is there so much pain? 

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. That image, of Dustin, my happy, sweet, silly boy, weeping. It’s more than I can bear. 

My heart is broken. I have no more words … only tears.