Big Love

Saying good-bye is hard. Especially when you don't want to say good-bye.

I think of all the memories from this year; all of my babies' faces flash through my mind. They are the highlight of my year, they are my heartbeat, they are what kept me going.

Me and Class 1

Me and Class 2

I think of all those moments with them-all the hugs, the kisses, the singing, the laughter, the dancing, the terrible English. They stole my heart this year. And they won't give it back.

Me and Class 3

Me and Class 4

The last night I was in China, we were in Beijing for debriefing. We had just finished our commissioning service when I got a phone call.  It was from a number I didn't recognize, but I knew it was from Taiyuan. In my heart, I knew who it was. But my mind was like "no way."

I answered the phone, and I heard her voice. It was Dustin's mom. And I heard the tears in her voice and tears began to flow down my face.

She told me in her broken English how much Dustin would miss me, how much their family loved me. She repeatedly said, "You are the best, the best teacher. We love you." Through my sobs, I told her how much I loved her son, and I promised to come back. She made me laugh when she said, "You go to America, hard worker."

One of the things she kept saying as we wept together was, "Don't worry about Li tian ho [Dustin's Chinese name]. Don't worry about him."

Every time she said that, it felt like someone was plunging a knife into my heart. Thank Father my teammate Hailey was there, holding me, as I sobbed on the phone with her.

I told her how Dustin would always be in my heart, and I would never forget him. She said something that moved me beyond words, "I understand your heart, Ms. Lindsay. I understand your heart. You have big love."

That phrase, "You have big love," has stayed with me. Because I know it' not my big love. It's Father's. Without Him, I would have no big love. It's only through Him.

Me and Class 5

And yes, I now have big love. He gave me big love for my babies, for China. And praise Him, I know of at least one family who saw that big love. That phone call broke my heart, and after it, I spent everal minute sin the arm of my teammate Hailey, weeping. But even though it broke me, I can rejoice that they saw Father's big love.

And His love is big! His love allowed me to love my babies. His love allowed me to show His light in my classroom.

Me and Class 6

 My city director told me, "Those tears [that my babies shed] are the sign of a job well done and of His presence in your classroom."

For that, I rejoice in all the tears that have been shed by my babies, their families, my coteachers, and me. Because they are a sign of His big love!

Me and Class 7

 My heart is broken to leave my babies, Dustin and his family, and my beloved Chinese friends. But I can praise Father for this year. And I can have joy knowing that His work will continue.

Thank Father for His big love. And thank Him that He gives it to us!

Me and Class 8

Tears

I knew today would be hard. 

It’s the Monday of my last week of teaching at SMBS-so it’s the good-bye week. 

I expected hard. Previous teachers told me how hard it was going to be. So I thought I was pretty prepared. Yes I had lost it on Friday with my kids, and I knew I would probably lose it again today.

But nothing could have prepared me for the intense heart-ache of this afternoon. 

This afternoon I had to break the news to Class 3, my favorite class. It’s also Dustin’s class. 

Yeah …

Dustin already knew that I was going back to America, so fortunately he helped me translate for the other kids. 

I held it together when I told them about how I was going back and how they were going to get a new foreign teacher. 

A few of the kids started crying, but nothing too bad. 

An activity that I had them do was draw their best memory of me. So I passed out the paper, they got their markers, and the drawing began. 

Several of the kids were crying now, and I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to comfort them. 

But then, Dustin came up to me and said, “Meesa Lindsay, I can’t draw it.”

I went over with him to his desk and replied, “Dustin, you can. Just try.” I know this kid can draw-he LOVES to draw and color. 

He put his head on his desk, and the tears just began flowing. 

Seeing those tears running down that precious boy’s face, I felt as if someone had just ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it in their hands. 

I wrapped him in my arms, and we sat there together, weeping. His little arms clung to my neck as he buried his head in my shoulder and sobbed. Through my tears I whispered, “I love you so much. I love you so much.” And he always said back, “Me too.” 

I promised him I will always love him, that I will come back some day, that he will always have a special place in my heart. 

I don’t know how long I sat there, holding him. But finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wiped his face, kissed his forehead, and got up. 

I looked over to where my co-teacher, Candy, was. She was in tears. I went to her and said, “I can’t do it, Candy. I can’t say good-bye.”

She burst into sobs, and we held each other for a few moments. It took everything I had not to run out of the classroom and back to my apartment to just sob my heart out. I felt like all my strength was gone, my heart was gone, I had nothing more to give. 

But I had to stay. As hard as it was to watch them cry, I had to stay. They needed me to stay-I’m abandoning them in a few days, but I couldn’t abandon them now. 

Then I looked at Dustin, the tears still streaming down his face. 

Every time I see that image in my head, I can’t hold back the tears. Even now, I’m sobbing as I write this. There are no words that can describe this pain. 

To be honest, I’m angry now. I’m angry that I have to leave. Angry, brokenhearted. Why did Father let me get so close to these dear, sweet babies, only to have me leave them? Why did He let me fall in love with them, only to make me go back to America? Why is there so much pain? 

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. That image, of Dustin, my happy, sweet, silly boy, weeping. It’s more than I can bear. 

My heart is broken. I have no more words … only tears. 

The beginning of the end

Woke up this morning-felt like any other Friday here at SMBS. 

Until I stepped into my first class.

It was class 2, and the poor babies had no idea of the news I brought with me.

We opened class with the traditional 3 rules of class, reviewing the alphabet, and singing our class songs. 

Then, I told them. 

“Meesa Lindsay is going home to America.”

I told them about my house, my family, why I’m going back to America. And they still didn’t quite get it.

Then I said the dreaded words, “You will have a new foreign teacher next year.”

Only one of the kids understood what I said, and translated it for the rest of the class.

Jeff started shouting, “Bu yao! Bu yao!” (I don’t want! I don’t want!)

That’s when the tears began flowing. First one kid, then another, then another, then another. 

Then Meesa Lindsay started crying. And the whole class lost it. 

I tried to tell them that they would have one more class with me, but it did nothing to console them.

I soon found myself surrounded by the class, all sobbing and clinging to me, telling me not to go back to America. To stay in China. Telling me “I love you Meesa Lindsay!”

I just kept hugging them, wiping tears off their precious faces, telling them I love them. But nothing would stop the tears. 

And then poor Derek got a nose-bleed. So there was a mad scramble to find more tissue to stop his nose-bleed. Never a dull moment with class 2. 

The kids wouldn’t stop crying, even after I left the class, I heard the sobs from the hallway. Their poor Chinese teacher was left to deal with the fall-out of my class. 

After I left the classroom, I went back into the office, tears still streaming down my face. I sat down, laid my head on the desk, and sobbed. Thank Father Anna was there or I think I wouldn't have been able to go to my next classes. 

How am I supposed to deal with this? How can I say good-bye to every class, breaking their little hearts in the process? How in the world am I going to leave these beautiful, precious, naughty, hilarious, loving children that have their little fingers around my heart?

My heart is breaking. Seeing those tears, today, so many little arms wrapped around my neck, so many kisses, so many “I love you’s.” I don’t know how I can say good-bye.

And today was only the beginning of the end.