A softened heart

China has changed me. It’s changed me A LOT. When I first told people about coming to China, they all said “you’ll come back a completely different person.” 

I didn’t really believe them. I knew China would change me-I just didn’t think it would change me much. I figured I would still be the same driven force of nature that I always have been, I would still have the edge I’ve always prided myself on having. 

I was partially right. 

But I was also so wrong. 

Before China, I carried a huge chip on my shoulder and basically flipped off the entire world.

And I don’t mean to be crude, but that’s how I was. I had that chip on my shoulder for years, and to be quiet honest, I liked it. I liked the fact that I didn’t need anyone, that I could handle everything by myself, that I could be the best if I truly applied myself. 

This hardness that I had was a huge part of my identity-it was a way for me to keep from being hurt. But in the end it ended up hurting me more than protecting me. 

That hardness came over to China with me-but praise Father I don’t think I’ll be returning to the states with it. 

My teammate Chesney made me laugh so hard a few weeks ago. She told me, “Lindsay, I was scared of you at training in Beijing.” I responded, “Why?” She basically told me that at training I still had the chip on my shoulder, but now she saw it wasn’t there anymore. 

When I told my mother about this conversation, she laughed and told me she had asked Father for a long time to take the hardness away. And now she saw Him doing that, but not in the way she envisioned. So, out of curiosity, I asked her how she had thought Father would take away my hardness. Her answer: children. Of course she meant that I would have my own children and that’s how Father would soften me. But then she said, “But He has used children. Just not your own.” 

It’s so true. Father has used my beautiful babies to soften my heart. There was no fighting this one-they just captured my heart and ran with it. 

I have to tell you guys a couple stories about my precious babies:

1    Sheldon … oh my gosh this adorable little guy just melts my heart. He is in class 4 (which is a class with a C130 sized amount of personality and mischief). We had been learning the phrases “Do you like …” and “Yes I like …/No I don’t.” For one activity I would shout out a phrase and they would repeat it in a whisper and vice versa. After a little bit, I had some of the students come up and lead the class. So I sat down in an empty desk next to Sheldon and pretended to be a student. The entire class thought that was HILARIOUS. Anyway, when it was Sheldon’s turn to lead the class, he gets up there and starts out with “Do you like tigers?” After he said a couple phrases, he looks at me and gets this silly grin on his face. He shouts out to the class “Do you like Meesa Lindsay?!” And the whole class responds “Yes I like Meesa Lindsay!” I about burst into tears right there.

2    

         Zoe: this sweet, precious little girl is in my class 7. She is so smart and so well-behaved, an example to the kids in the class. This past semester she comes up to me every class, wraps her little arms around me, and says “Meesa Lindsay, wo ai ni,” which means I love you in Chinese. So I’ve taught her how to say I love you in English, and now she comes, hugs me, and says “Meesa Lindsay, I love you!” To which I always respond “Zoe, I love you,” and kiss her on the forehead. It has become our pre-class tradition.

My Zoe

3    Evie: this child is so full of life and attitude, she cracks me up. She will scream at the other kids in class if they aren’t paying attention or doing what they are supposed to be doing. It’s kind of hilarious considering she is one of the smallest little girls I have. The other day in the hall she grabbed me and pulled me down, turned my head, and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Evie dancing during exercise time

4    

      Class 1: the entire class was convinced when my city director came to visit that he was my husband. Of course Candy corrected them. But I told her to tell them that I was not married and had no boyfriend, so they wouldn’t make that mistake again. She told them and the entire class went “awwwww” and gave me such sympathetic looks. I about threw up my hands and went “Not you guys too!” Between my first-graders, my co-teachers, and my college friends, I get so much sympathy for being single it’s ridiculous.

Class 1-they're a  mess!

Dustin: so y’all have pretty much figured out by now that he’s my favorite. I can’t help but love this kid-he’s hilarious. A few weeks ago, I was walking him to the bus to say good-bye, and I asked him to bring a picture of his family back with him. The next Monday, he runs up to me and proudly presents me with a picture of his family. So I decided to write his parents a note and send him home with a picture of me. I had one of my co-teachers write the note in Chinese after I wrote it in English. The next Monday he comes up to be at the beginning of class with an envelope in his hand and a big grin on his face. He hands me the envelope and says “Meesa Lindsay, this is for you.” I opened it and it was the sweetest note from his parents, written in English with a middle part in Chinese, which my co-teachers translated. The Chinese part of the note said something about how his parents were sorry they could not come to parents’ weekend to see me last semester. They also said something about Dustin dreams of me … I think that part was lost in translation haha. But yeah, this kid is wonderful.

Dustin leading his class!

It is my hope that when I return to the US, my hardness will not return. I told my brother this fear, and he encouraged me saying, “I don’t think you’ll regress. This has been a life-changing experience … you don’t forget that.” That’s my hope-that this truly has been a life-changing experience-I don’t think I’ll come back to the US the same person. And that’s a good thing.