Vision

"Father, if you don't want me here, let me fail this exam."

This was what I said to Father before I took my first medical school exam today. Yes I know I'm crazy, asking Father to have me fail. But hey, "Not my will, but yours."

I'm not gonna lie, the last three weeks have been hard. Last weekend, as my babies headed back to school, I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to leave and go back to China.

But Father.

Father has a reason for me to be here. Just like He had a reason for me to be in China.

And yesterday at fellowship, my teacher said something that has made me feel so at peace about being here and not there.

We talked about having a vision, specifically Father's vision for your life.

A vision starts with a burden, a concern. It's something that will make you weep, it will convict you.

But, when you're given that vision, you might not necessarily take immediate action toward that vision.

There is a time of preparation, a time of maturing.

I think that's where I am now. I think Father is refining the vision in me. He's given me a burden: China. He showed me China, He showed me something I never thought could even be possible for me.

Now He's preparing me.

That's what this time in medical school is for.

It's not about me. It's not about being number 1 in the class, or getting into a top residency (both of which aren't necessarily bad goals).

It's about preparation. Medical school is preparing me for the vision Father has for my life. It's a time for Father to refine me, to give me the skills I need to do His work, to test me.

That's the outlook I need to have right now. I've fought hard these last few weeks to keep myself from going back to old habits and lies of  "I have to be the best," "I have to prove myself to these people," "the only way to do well is to focus only on school."

But His grace keeps me focused on the goal: serving Him and serving the people He made.

And this week, as I was yearning to go back to China, He gave me a vision. And He gave me a blessing.

I GOT TO SEE DUSTIN AND TALK TO HIM!

Early Saturday morning, I used skype to call Dustin's mom's cellphone. The minute she heart my voice, she started yelling for him to come talk to me.

"Hello Meesa Lindsay."

At that moment, hearing my precious boy's voice, I thought my heart was going to burst.

Seriously ... how cute is this?!

The whole time I talked to him, he kept saying, "Meesa Lindsay, I am so happy."

I would say, "I miss you so much. Everyday I miss you."

And he said, "Me too. Me too."

Then I got to see him, his mom used an app called weChat and we had a video call.

I SAW THEM!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!

Seeing his smile again, hearing him and his mom talk in Chinese, laughing with them. It did my heart so much good.

I thought that seeing him and talking to him would make me sad, would make me miss China so much.

It did make me miss China. But Father gave me such a peace-that yes, I miss my babies, and I miss Dustin. But I'm supposed to be here. Father used them to give me a vision.

And right now, I'm preparing for that vision.